Joined: 21 Nov 2008
Location: somewhere someplace driving yer drunk ass around
|Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 6:02 pm Post subject: Earl Well of Biloxi Mississippi
|Miss Missy Swallow opens her eyes.
Her old friend Chiclet and a sexy quintet of dark-skinned big-boned women, June Bug Jones, Aunt Bee Lee, Deplora Hayes, Mrs. X and LaSquirta Johnson are trying to yank her out a quicksand bog!
Swamp critters crawl and chomp on Missy, helping themselves to a free lunch buffet!
Missy feels the pain: SHIT BITING ME! I'M SINKING!
Chiclet says: Ladies, this gal in big trouble! She bleeding like a HAWG!! We gotta haul her out before them swamp critters get on their cells and calls everybody they know!
The womenfolk grunt: WE TRYIN' CHICLET BUT SHE STUCK BAD!
Go figure: In her crib in the stars, Missy weighed 400 lbs., but on Earth she weighed 4000 lbs!
Chiclet makes an executive decision: June Bug, fetch Earl Well's mule train!
Chiclet consoles Missy: Honey, keep the faith! Mule train yank yew out pronto!
June Bug whips Earl Well's mule train over to the swamp, unhooks them from the buckboard, four young bastards cocky and strong, cantering over to Miss Missy Swallow, Swampthang.
June Bug totes over two heavy iron chains and hooks up the mules, the other end wrapped under Missy's meaty arms and brazenly tiny waist.
June Bug smokes Banjo the lead mule with a switch: HAH!
The mules dig into the mud, huffing and puffing, trying to yank Missy out.
June Bug asks: Wheres dat old cracker Jack LaLanne? He pulled the Queen Mary across the Atlantic Ocean chained up like Hannibal Lector!
The mules yank Missy out of the swamp. Banjo falls over dead.
Mrs X screeches: BANJO DEAD! EARL WELL GONNA SNAP!
June Bug punches Chiclet in the eye: GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! I AIN'T TELLING YEW TWICE!
The womenfolk yell: BITCH YER GONNA GET KICKED IN THE TEETH AND THROWN IN THE SWAMP!
Missy didn't care if Chiclet got lumped up or killed. She felt it was her duty to do all of Chiclet's lumping and killing.
Missy lays her muddy hands upon Banjo's head: LADIES BEHOLD!
Banjo gasps, shakes like Linda Blair from the Exorcist and scrabbles back up.
The womenfolk faint, fall to the ground, moaning and fondling themselves: MISSY THE BOMB! SHE CANONIZED!
Chiclet gets in Missy's face: I SEEN THIS ON CHRISTIAN TV! THIS SHIT BULLSHIT!
The womenfolk get off the ground, ready to bumrush Chiclet: SHUT YER BLASPHEMOUS MOUTH!
Missy interrupts: Ladies, please forgive me. Wallowing in that swamp made me feel unclean!
The womenfolk blast Chiclet with their Best Evil Eye and scrub Missy from the top of her blonde beehive wig to the bottom of her 10-inch stiletto heels. The womenfolk see Missy looks mighty fetching in her black party dress: WHAT A GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL SEXY WOMAN! HOW ABOUT A WELCOME HOME ORGY! WHAT'S YER NAME?
Missy lies: Forgive me! My name is Miss Missy Swallow.
The womenfolk bellow: AIN'T THAT A PORN STAR NAME?
Chiclet takes Missy's hand into the swamp into a clearing. Earl Well's skyscraper shack stands on golden stilts.
Chiclet pushs on Earl Well's unlocked front door: Missy, yer a big surprise! Earl Well loves surprises!
Earl Well's crib, pitch black, reeks of blunts, sex and KFC.
Missy hisses: Where Earl Well at?
Chiclet whispers: He in the shower, getting ready for yew. Didn't I say he was polite?
Earl Well's bathroom door swings open, a scathing white light. Earl Well dripping wet from his shower, a black towel slung low on his hips.
Missy blinks three times: Earl Well, 96 years old, beautiful antique black, glass yeller eyed blind, furrowed forehead, anti-teeth, skeletal breath, ripped muscles, hammered stones and bones.
Earl Well lights a choke, blowing fat Marlboro Red smoke rings in Chiclet's face: Bitch, conk amongst conk, why yew bringing over somebody I don't know? She 5-0? Religion? Both?
Missy steps up: Mr. Earl Well, my name is Miss Missy Swallow and I'm at yer pleaure!
Earl Well declines to shake Missy's hand: Well I'm sure as shit yew are!
Chiclet says: We seen Missy wallerin' in the swamp. I called out yer mule train. Banjo died yanking her out, Missy laid hands on Banjo and he came back to life.
Earl Well yells: BULLSHIT! IF BANJO DEAD HE DEAD!
Earl Well eyeballs Missy: What the fuck yew in my swamp?
Missy pleads: Can I take off my dress now? Please?
Earl Well says: Missy, yer a big woman, big and hairy as a gorilla in the zoo. Sometimes I likes my women big, but I dont likes 'em hairy as a goriila. I gots an Industrial Strength Lady Remington in my medicine cabinet so yew can shave yer hairy gorilla shit off. Bitch, how much yer shit weigh?
Missy says: Around 4000 lbs., give or take 500 or 600.
Earl Well doubles over laughing, unhooking Missy's quad-taloned bra: WELL I BE DIPPED!
Missy, fully aware of the ways of men, enjoyed herself in Earl Well's shower.
Earl Well flings open the door. A withering steam bomb.
Missy cooed: Earl Well?
Earl Well yells: RON JEREMY!
Earl Well jumps in the shower knowing he's gonna hit like Hank.