Filthy Hilarious Cab Conversations

[2fisted]

[vishnu666]

A lesson in pukers, probability and decorum.
It has been at least one year since I've had to deal with a puker. Tonight, I was blessed with two chuck mistresses.
Odds of two hurlers in a single shift: 1/365 x 1/182.5=1/666215.5
I should have bought a Powerball Ticket.
Enough of dry Poindexter numbers-crunching.
I picked up middle-aged Puking Princess #1 and her doting chrome-dome hubster @ the Bryant-Lake Bowl, destination Cathedral Hill, St. Paul. Both seemed tipsy, not smashed.
We started rolling down Lyndale to east I-94.
They were at a company holiday party.
Him (to his wife): I was worried about you making it to the bathroom on time. You had to climb over your co-workers.
Alarm bells started clanging in my head: Yew OK? Are yew gonna get sick?
Him: My wife had a little much to drink. She's OK now.
Pukers Rule #1: If the puker's allies insist the puker's OK, the puker is gonna hurl.
Her: I think I might get sick.
Pukers Rule #2: If the puker says they're gonna get sick, they're probably gonna get sick. And if they insist they're NOT gonna get sick, 100% of the time, they will. I call it Vomit Denial Syndrome.
I was worried. She was sitting in back of me. If she had to blow and needed to bail,it would out the non-curb side.
Me: We're gonna jump the freeway. If she's gonna get sick, I'd rather pull over now so she can get out, get sick and get back in BEFORE we get on the freeway.
Her (weakly): I think I can make it home.
Pukers Rule #3: Lying gets yew nowhere. Why people aren't straight up is beyond me. I'm not gonna toss yew out on the freeway if yew bail, barf and get back in. Yew WILL pay a $50 puke charge if yew blow chunks in my backseat and if yew don't pay, I'm calling the 5-0.
Sidenote: A couple years back I had a drunken soriority sister so terrified about paying the puke charge that she threw up inside her blouse.
We turn onto east 94. A fresh dusting of snow made me drive slow.
Pukers Rule #4: Motion sickness will push a puker over the edge.
I started counting exits: Riverside, 280, Cretin, Snelling. Two more to go.
Him (to me): Is there anything in that bag? My lunch was wedged between the front seats.
I grabbed the bag and dumped it on the front passenger seat. I handed it over.
Me: Not anymore. Good thinking.
She started blowing lunch. I turned the radio up to drown out the sound. I hoped the bag was big and strong enough to withstand the vile onslaught. I cracked the windows to air out the stench.
Her: I'm sorry. I feel better now.
Pukers Rule #5: There is almost always Round Two.
She retched up another salvo. Her husband was holding the puke bag over her mouth with one hand and patting her on the back with the other: There, there, Honey, there there.
I turned off the Dale St. exit. They had a nice middle upper-class house. She gets out of the cab and stumbles to the house.
Me: The total is $28. He digs in his pockets. He has exactly $28 and hands it over.
Him: This isn't enough. I'm gonna run inside and get more cash.
He returns with a $20 and hands it over. He was very grateful I didn't throw a fit.
Fare: $28
Usual tip: $7
Puke surcharge: $13
Two hours later, just after bar close, I was rolling home on NE Lowry and Monroe. I stopped @ Mr. BBQ before gassing up and the smell of baby back ribs was attractive. Three attractive young women saw me, waving frantically, bum-rushing my cab. If they were three Frat boys or usual NE drunks, I would have kept on driving.
I slam on the brakes: BE CAREFUL!!
Girls #1,2,3 (falling in the cab): WE LOVE YOU!!
I decided all three girls were named Ashley.
Me: I love you too. Where we going?
Ashley #1: 32nd and Johnson.
Ashley #2: I smell BBQ. I'm starving!
Ashleys #1 and 2 discuss food options. Ashley #3 is strangely silent. They decide to call their boy Dan Vagina (Dan Fogina).
Ashley #1: Dan, I want you to bring over a sausage pizza. I want some sausage in my mouth right now!
Ashley #2: Yeah a BIG sausage with cheese!
Pukers Rule #6: The smell or mention of food can set a puker off.
Ashley #3: I gotta get out. I'm gonna get sick!
I pull the cab over. Ashley #3 bolts out the door. A squad car is flying up Lowry, cherries on, no sirens.
Me: Here comes the 5-0!
Ashley #2: They after us?
The squad flies by.
Me: Nah. They're late for Donut time. Why don't yew check on yer friend?
Ashley #2 pops open the door. Ashley #3 is still puking.
Me: Where were yew guys at tonight?
Ashley #1: Gastoffs.
Me: That explains it.
Ashley #3 claws at door, unable to figure out the latch. She climbs back in, groaning.
Ashley #1: You OK?
Ashley #3: I think so.
I think: Bullshit. Round 2 is around the corner.
I bust a left on Johnson. Seven blocks to 32nd.
Two blocks from home, Ashley #3 yells: PULL OVER!!
She bolts out the door again.
Ashley #1: Wow. I've never seen her get sick like this. Usually she drinks both of us under the table.
Ashley #2: I think she drank too much because she just graduated.
Me: Where did she graduate, Puking School?
Ashley #3 climbs back in. We make it to their house, no problem. Ashley #1 gives me $23.
Fare: $8
Usual tip: $4
Puke surcharge: $9
Moral of this sad story: Unless yew enjoy puking yer guts out and over-tipping the cab driver because of "vomit guilt", please blow lunch in the establishment that over-served yew.

[Reverend Phil]

finish the damned story.....grrr....

[trazadone]

[Vrooman]

Good story. And sidenote.

[vishnu666]

[vishnu666]

[whitebone]

I didn't even know this... Kids nowadays with their new fancy words and such....

[Reverend Phil]

wouldn't that just be "mistaken"?

[trazadone]

[vishnu666]

[vishnu666]

Honk honk honk honk honk
Honk honk honk honk honk honk honk
Honk honk honk honk honk

[Reverend Phil]

more haiku?

[vishnu666]

It be New Years Eve
Yew be drunker than a skunk
Motherfuck drunk skunk

I met a woman
Sassy NY shutterbug
24 floors up

[Reverend Phil]

as far as shitty
driving drunks round this city
quit cryin' hippie!