Joined: 21 Nov 2008
Location: somewhere someplace driving yer drunk ass around
|Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2014 10:08 pm Post subject: Billy and Pecos Bender, Rattlesnake Preachers (6)
|(Chapter #6 of "Billy and Pecos Bender Are Very Naughty and Go to Hell")
The Lord said to Pecos in a teeth rattling nightmare: Boy get outta bed and fetch some rattlesnakes!
Pecos shook with fright: God, I'm aferd of snakes!
God sends down a bolt of lightning splitting the Bender house in half, missing Pecos by inches. There is no flame, just pure electricity.
God: I ain't telling yew again. Get yer ass outta bed and get me some snakes!
Pecos staggers out into the kitchen wearing tighty whities. The air reeks of ozone and bacon. Ma is at the stove cooking breakfast. Billy is sitting at kitchen table, fully dressed in his finest suit, wide awake.
Pecos: Billy . .
Billy: Yeah I know. God told me. I tried waking yew up. Yew were sawing logs like Paul Bunyon.
Ma: Pecos yer dumber than Babe the Blue Ox. Billy couldn't wake yew so God had to. Yew gotta lot of work fixing the house after yew do His bidding!
Pecos: Why kind of bidding'?
Billy: The Lord is mad at yew for sassing him. Yew were partying in Hell like a rock star when yew should have been suffering.
Pecos: What are we supposed to do?
Billy: Not me, Buddy Boy. Yew. Fetch a bunch of rattlers. Then we're gonna travel from church to church, from sea to shining sea, spreading the Gospel of the Lord as Serpent Preachers. I'm gonna do the preaching. Then I take a rattler out of a bag and he bites yew. When yew don't die, folks will be scared to death and give up their money.
Pecos: What happens if I die?
Billy: That ain't gonna happen. I got plenty of anti-venom. If yew fall over and start death rattling I give yew a shot. Then we grab the collection plate money and split!
Pecos: If God is so goddamn special, why does he need us getting cash for him?
Billy: Like any business, sometimes the Lord has cash flow problems. You saw the number of employees He needs to keep Hell running smoothly. The overhead is staggering.
Pecos: (smirking) I overheard the amount of head his Priests need is also staggering. Fuck it I ain't doing it. No fuckig way Jose.
Ma (smoking Pecos in the head with a frying pan): Pecos, watch yer language!
Pecos bleeds profusely from a gash on the top of his head. He puts his hands on his gushing wound and sucks the blood from his fingers.
Billy: Ma, Pecos can't feel nothing. Remember?
Pecos: (smiling) That's right. I gotta say my blood is right tasty!
Billy: (irritated) The Lord thought it would be wise if we had a trial run.
Pecos: What's a trial run? We going jogging? Am I getting arrested again?
Billy: No. Nothing like that.
Billy grabs a rattlesnake by the throat from a white cotton bag. He whale the snake against the wall. The angry snake shakes his rattles and bares his dripping yellow fangs.
Billy throws the snake at Pecos. The viper land on Pecos's left eye. Pecos tosses a gigantic fit, trying to pull the rattler off. The snake injects Pecos with both fangs. The venom paralyzes Pecos. He drops to the floor like a stone.
Billy whips out his iphone and takes a selfie: Billy's smiling.
Pecos is writhing on the kitchen floor.
Billy: God is gonna love this!
Ma: Is Pecos dying? It might be for the best if he just passed.
Billy: Nah. Check this out.
Billy injects Pecos with a fat syringe of anti-venom. Pecos comes to, thrashes about and yanks the snake off his face.
Pecos stomps on the snake. He grabs Ma's butcher knife and cuts the rattler's head off. Pecos goes after Billy with the knife. Billy's gun is pointed right between the eyes.
Ma: Pecos, sit down and eat yer breakfast.
Pecos: I ain't fucking hungry!
Ma: Pecos! Language!
Pecos loses the tiny portion of his mindHe flips out. over the kitchen table, dousing Billy with three plates of bacon and scrambled eggs.
Pecos: Yew know what Ma? Fuck yew! Yew know what Billy? Fuck yew too! There ain't nothing either of yew can do to me. I've been maced, beaten, shot, stabbed and fucked in the ass by a donkey. God himself threw me out of Hell because I was having the time of my life . . .
The front doorbell rings.
Ma: Who could that be?
Pecos knew he was a sight, wearing only tighty whiteys, covered head to toe in blood and the rattlesnake bite to his left eye had to look great!
Pecos: I'll get it! Maybe it's Girl Scouts selling cookies. Maybe it's Jehovah's Witness's begging for money. Maybe it's the Fire Department or the cops. I don't care!
Pecos stomps to the front door, flinging it open. The unmistakeable smell of shit fills the house.
Ma (covering her nose and mouth with her apron): Pecos! Who is it? Did you just go Number Two?
Billy: Yes Ma, Pecos dumped a load in his underpants. Only one guy that can make Pecos lose control of his bowels. God is at our front door.
Pecos runs upstairs to his bedroom, yelling: I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW!!
Ma crosses herself, fussing with her hair. She's about to lose it.
Ma: Billy, are yew sure IT'S THAT GOD?
Billy: Oh yeah. I'm sure.
God walks into the kitchen. He's wearing a Dominos Pizza Man outfit. He's carrying four large pizza boxes. The pizza smells delicious.
God: I never walk into a house of the Lord without bringing snacks. Anybody hungry?
Billy is famished. He picks up the overturned kitchen table.
Billy: Yes Lord, I'm starving! My brother Pecos knocked over the kitchen table and ruined our breakfast.
God sets the pies down on the table. He makes eye contact with Ma Bender.
God: (extending his hand) You must be Mrs. Bender. It is a great pleasure to be in your lovely home. Sorry about the lightning bolt. Some folks sleep like the dead!
Ma is teetering on the edge of a stroke. Billy rushes over, propping her up before she falls over.
Billy: Ma, its OK. God is a regular fella, except he created the Heaven and Earth in seven days and all that other stuff.
Ma: I'm sorry Lord. I must sit down before I faint dead away.
God pulls out a chair for Ma to sit on. She collapses into the chair.
God: Mrs. Bender, I think you need an ice cold Mountain Dew. It'll cool you down and perk you up. Billy, fetch your Mother a glass. It's unladylike to drink it straight out of the bottle, right Mrs. Bender?
Ma: Lord, thank you. Please call me Gloria.
God: (smiling): As in Glory glory hallelujah! You are a Christian woman. I am so blessed!
Billy pours Ma a glass of Mountain Dew. She chugs the entire glass and belches like a drunken sailor. She wipes her brow and smiles.
Ma: My goodness. Where did that come from?
God: (smiling): It came from France. Over the top belching with tone and sustain originated in France. The guillotine and oral sex are also gifts to the world from France.
Ma: I did not know that.
Billy: (smiling) Ma, I think the good Lord is pulling yer leg.
God gives Billy a look.
God: William, I'm as serious as a heart attack about the French. I trust the rattlesnake test went satisfactory?
Billy pulls out his iPhone and proudly shows the Lord the selfie he took.
God studies the photo.
God: The snake bit Pecos in the eye? Holy Toledo!
Billy: Yep. And the anti-venom worked like a charm. Pecos became a little unglued when he came to.
God: That boy is a piece of work! I try to run the Earth like a finely tuned Swiss watch, but every so often the train jumps the tracks and there ain't nothing left but the tears! What's that boy doing upstairs?
Billy: Excuse my strong language Mother. Lord, I reckon he's lying in his own Number 2 whacking it to the Donkey Porn station on the Internet.
God: Maybe I should send a fire engine over so they can blast him with a 2 inch hose at 300 psi. Clean his mind as well as his body.
Ma: Lord that boy is so dumb if yew stuck a firehose in one ear the water would come blasting out his other ear.
Pecos flings open the back door, bursting into the kitchen. His face is beet red, twisted with anger. He has changed into a black silk Martial Arts robe.
Pecos: I heard what yew all said, saying I was lying in my own poop whomping my dolphin to Donkey Porn. Yew people are fucked up! How about we go outside and I'll beat the living shit outta all three of you, all at once or one at a time?
Billy pulls his gun, pointing it at Pecos. God pushes Billy's hand down.
Pecos: Go ahead and shoot me yew chickenshit cocksmoker! I'll go back to Hell where I belong. And God, find yerself another snake boy. It ain't my fault yer broke! All them pervert priests done sucked yew dry!
Ma Bender stands up from the table, confronting Pecos.
Ma: PECOS BENDER HOW DARE YEW TALK TO YER HEAVENLY FATHER LIKE THAT??
Pecos: I'll talk to his bitch ass anyway I want. Bitch aint my father! I descended from AN APE IN A TREE!! A BIG OLD HAIRY APE EATING A BANANA!!
God stares at Pecos. Pecos, his fists coiled, is fixing to punch the Creator of the Universe.
God (quietly): Pecos I come bringing gifts!
Pecos: What? Extra cheese?
God: Gloria, would you by so kind as to strike Pecos with your frying pan?
Ma (grumbling). Ain't gonna do any good. He's just gonna bleed all over my floor! He ain't gonna feel it 'cause he ain't normal.
God: Humor me please.
Ma is angry God is insisting. She picks up the frying pan and hits Pecos on the side of the head. Pecos's eyes cross. He drops to his knees, clutching his forehead.
Pecos: THAT . . THAT HURT!! THAT'S WHAT PAIN IS!!
God: Yer darn tooting, that's pain alright. My gift to you: intense burning pain and a lot more where that came from if you don't shape up and be ready for snake duty tomorrow!
Pecos: (close to tears). Lord, I apologize. I'm aferd of snakes but I'm more aferd of pain! Please turn me back the way I wuz!
God: Pecos, I accept yer apology but what's done is done! After you and Billy reach your goal, I'll think about it.
Pecos: But the pain was so intense. I'm in pain right now all over my body.
God: Pecos, lay yer arm palm up flat on the table.
Billy produces a smaller syringe. He jabs Pecos's in the crook of his arm.
Pecos sighs, smiles and collapses into a chair. He starts drooling and scratching his face.
Pecos: I feel great!
God: Yew should feel great cause Billy shot you up with enough heroin to kill 10 hard core junkies.
Billy: I'll bring the car around. Lord, are you coming along?
God: I can't expect victory from yew two clowns without my help.
Billy: I'm gonna grab a extra set of clothes for me and Pecos. Reckon we might need 'em!
God (turning on the charm): Will yew be accompanying us tonight, Mrs. Bender?
Ma: (knowing full well the destructive prowess of her sons): Lord, if yew don't mind, I prefer to set at home, reading the Bible. Yew boys enjoy yourselves!
God: Bless you Gloria! There is a place for you by my right hand in Heaven!
Awkward silence. Then Ma begins to weep.
Ma: If only Pa was alive to be here to bear Witness! Praise Jesus!
God, Billy and Pecos: Guess its time to get going!
Ma: You boys be safe. And Pecos, mind yer manners!
A brand new shiny black 2015 Cadillac Escalade is parked outside the Bender residence. Billy's pick-up truck is gone.
Billy: Where's my truck?
Pecos: Ha ha God stole yer truck!
Billy punches Pecos in the nose. He's too high to feel it.
God: CUT THE SHIT!! William, no offense. We need a car with pizazz! We got roll up to those churches like we own the place. Spiritually speaking, I do.
Pecos: But financially, its a different story, huh God?
God grabs Pecos by the throat, lifting him a foot off the ground. Pecos's airway is totally blocked. He gasps for air, trying to pry God's fingers off his throat. Pecos loses consciousness, limp as a rag doll. God holds Pecos aloft by his throat for three or four minutes, then drops him into the gutter.
God: My that boy makes me angry! Don't worry, he's not dead dead. Yet. Billy, pick him up and toss him in the back seat. Toss that big bag of rattlers on his chest. He's gonna shit his pants when he wakes up.
Billy tosses Pecos in the car. Billy almost feels sorry for him.
God: I'll drive. Listen up: This a hand-picked cakewalk audience. I want yew two learn yer chops before yew go to real Churches. Some parishioners wouldn't give up a nickel if it screamed! Billy, work on practicing yer preaching. I want Pecos to work on throwing a real shit fit when them snakes bite him! Remember to meet and greet everyone! If they think yer true men of God, they'll give it up! If they think yer phonies, they'll string you up!
God drives deep down Diablo's mean streets. Burned out warehouses, dive bars, run down houses, mostly vacant. God pulls into a dive bar parking lot. The bar appears closed, except for a sliver of light leaking out from underneath the black blinds.
Billy: Lord, is this a church?
God (smiling): It is today!
Billy: How we dealing with Pecos?
God produces another syringe: a gram of pure medicinal Methadrine. God jabs Pecos in the neck. His eyes open wide instantly. He's a live wire's live wire! Pecos tries to sit up, disturbing the large white cotton bag of rattlers on his chest.
The rattlers do not like to be rudely awoken and let Pecos know it.
God: Morning sunshine!
Pecos is petrified. His muscles are frozen.
God: Putting a bag of rattlesnakes on yer brother's chest is an excellent way of keeping him in line. Billy, grab our friends. Pecos, no bullshit outta yew. We have come to this place of worship to persuade the parishioner's to hand over all their loot! Get yerself together and get inside!
Pecos: (labored whispering) I can't breath . . My neck is broken. . Yew choked me half to death.
God: Quit whining! Yer days of dishing out ultra violence are over! Now yer gonna be on the receiving end. Yer a man of the cloth now. I know yer hurtin' bad! I have a nice fat syringe of heroin right here. Because I was a little rough on yew, I'll give yew a blast.
Pecos holds out his right arm. God shoots himself up instead. Pecos groans in disbelief.
God: Yew think I'm an idiot? Snake preaching first, heroin second.
The three men exit the car. God is wearing a Domino's Pizza Delivery Man outfit, Billy has on his best suit. He's toting the large white cotton bag stuffed to the top with poisonous pissed off rattlesnakes. Pecos is bringing up the rear. He is wearing his black silk martial arts uniform with an American Eagle on the back and a miraculously clean pair of tighty whiteys.
God opens the bar's front door. Marilyn Manson blasts from the jukebox. Billy's eyes adjust to the darkness. The bar is packed with every person he had the pleasure of dealing with in Hell. As Billy walks to the make shift altar by the front of the bar, he recognizes EVERYBODY: Hitler, his German Shepard is overjoyed to see him, knocking him over and licking his face. The bag of rattlesnakes go flying. Police Sgt. Mike Venadetti helps Billy to his feet, handing him the bag of snakes.
Mike smiles at Billy with all his teeth: Lose something Billy? Sorry I had to shoot yew. I get angry when people yank my chain and yer smart ass yanked my ass hard!
Billy: Don't worry about it. I have a friend who makes sure EVERYBODY who fucks with me gets what's coming to him.
Mikey knows a threat when he hears one: I know yer a man of the cloth now, but . .
God taps Mikey on the shoulder. Mikey turns around, angry.
Mikey: What do yew want, Pizza Boy?
God knees Mikey in the balls, dropping him to his knees. Mikey's SWAT team stand up and go for their guns.
God: Sgt. Venadetti, my name is God. Watch this and learn.
God points a scrawny gnarled finger at the SWAT Team. Their weapons turn into molten lava. The bullets explode inside the chambers from the intense heat. They all drop their guns. All are sporting severe burns.
God: I don't think armed police should be at this joyous place of worship. Makes the parishioners nervous. Gather yer shit and hit the road!
Mikey and his crew exit, to the cheers of the crowd.
Sitting at the next table: Mr. Pete, the Lisa Marie's gatekeeper, the 7 foot tall green waitress and their old pals Barzog and Lumpy.
Mr. Pete sticks out a sweaty palm and shakes my hand with negative psi.
Mr. Pete: Mr. Bender, I AM SO SORRY . .
Billy: Pete, don't worry about it. I'm a changed man. I wasn't on the guest list. Yew were just doing yer job.
I approach the 7 ft. tall bald green waitress.
Billy: Ma'am, I sincerely regret stuffing yer face in that soup bowl and dining and dashing.
Waitress: Call me Tiny. Don't worry about it. Pony up $50 and we'll be square. I reach in my wallet. No dough. I ask God for a loan. He gives me a look but ponies it up.
God: We're supposed to be helping ourselves to THEIR cash, remember.
Billy: Sorry Lord. Settling up an old debt. I'm free and clear now.
I hand Tiny the $50. She is smiling ear to ear.
Tiny: The reason prices are so high is the doomed figure this is their last meal before they go to Hell so none of 'em pay. Bless yew!
Borzag and Lumpy are on their feet, smiling.
Billy: Borzag! Lumpy! Where do I start?
Borzag: Yew start by shaking my hand, yew big dummy!
I shake his hand. ZAP!! Gag buzzer.
Borzag: Hah. Got yew good smarty pants!
Billy: OK Lump, whatta yew got going for me?
Lumpy: I got acute contagious viral meningitis. Everyone in this bar is infected. And I'm the little ol' Gremlin that did the infecting! In two weeks EVERYBODY not dead is gonna be!
Billy: That ain't nothing. I thought yew were gonna tell me yew screwed my sister.
Lumpy: Yew ain't got no sisters. Yer brothers got a purty lil' mouth. He don't look so good. What happened?
Billy: He's aferd of snakes, high on dope and God gave him back the wonderful gift of excruciating pain.
Continuing on, the luscious twin punk rock temptresses, Mona and Lisa at the next table.
Billy: Hello ladies, yer looking fetching as always.
They don't even look at Billy.
Mona: Captain Boring in the house. . .
Lisa: General Jesus Freak standing on our dicks!
Mona: But his brother, Drug Kingpin Pecos is hot.
Lisa: Where's Pecos at?
Billy: I believe he's in the Men's Room barfing. It was either from too much meth or too much heroin.
Mona and Lisa trip all over themselves running for the Men's Room.
God: What's up with those two?
Billy: They're cokewhores. I told them Pecos is in the bathroom shooting up!
God (backhanding Billy across the head!) That's classified information! Besides, there's a family of skunks living under the sink!
The putrid rotting walrus the Skipper claps God on the back: Keeping 'em in line Lord, keeping 'em in line! I beat the tar outta this one using Little rotten Little Buddy as a club!
Gilligan: Hi God!
God: (recoiling in disgust) Jesus Christ yew two reek! Yew live by a river? Don't yew ever bathe? And how in the Hell did yew two escape?
Skipper: Sorry Lord. Me and Gilligan are decomposing as we speak. When we bathe, more of our flesh falls off. And yew gave us 24 shore leave to go to Church!
God: If all my people are here, who's minding the store?
Skipper: I called a bunch of my old navy buddies! They got Graceland and the Gift Shop bottled up tighter than a constipated fat guy after eating an 10 lb. steak!
God doesn't want to hear anymore.
God: Reverend Billy Bender, fetch yer brother Associate Reverand Pecos! Let's get this Dog and Pony Show on the road!
The back door of the church opens. Pecos stumbles in. He has an arm slung around Mona and Lisa to remain upright. He is covered head to toe in vomi and the skunks didn't take a liking to him either.
Pecos's robe is open, displaying a vile soiled pair of tighty whities.
God: GET THAT SON OF A BITCH OUTTA HERE NOW!!
Mona and Lisa turn Pecos around, heading out the back door.
God is ready to blow up the Universe and start over.
Billy: Lord, Pecos is my ony brother. Let me make this right!
Billy (loudly, to the Congregation): My name is Reverand Bender. My brother's name is Associate Reverand Pecos Bender! Welcome to the first gathering of the Diablo Colorado Holy Church of Venomous Serpant Divinty! God decided to invite his dear friends and colleagues to the first Service! We're not quite ready to begin. Associate Reverand Pecos has taken ill.
Skipper: Where'd be find those fucking skunks?
Reverand Billy: This is a House of Worship! Shut your trap before I shut it for you!
Reverand Billy (striding to the rear of the Church): Ladies! Allow me. I'll take care of my brother!
Mona and Lisa: Vomit, shit and skunk! The poor fucker hit the Trifecta! And he did all the dope, the selfish prick!
Reverand Billy picks up Pecos up and tosses him over his shoulder. God he had never smelled Pecos reek so bad! billy walks outside into the back parking lot. A Fire Engine watertruck with a 2" hose capable of blasting water at 300 psi idles, waiting to get busy.
Billy walks up to the cab. Fire Marshall Bob plugs his nose.
Fire Marshall Bob: Christ, now I've smelled everything!
Billy: My name is Reverand Billy Bender. This pour soul is my twin brother Pecos. If yew would be so kind as to lash him to a tree and hit him with the hose full power. Obliged.
Fire Marshell Bob yells to the scrawny rookie Firefighter Jesse: Jesse, its time to see what yer made of. Put on yer Haz Mat Suit. Lash this poor citizen to a tree. Strip off the nasty clothes he's wearing. Hit him with the hose, full power. Don't stop until I tell yew to!
Firefighter Jesse struggles with his Haz Mat suit: Yes sir!
The other firemen hightailed it upwind to see the action, not smell the action.
Firefighter Jesse: Sir, if you would so kind as to prop yer brother against one of them pine trees?
Fire Marshall Bob (hopping out of his cab): Sir, belay that! Please lay yer brother gently on the ground.
Billy does what he is asked.
Fire Marshall Bob gets in Fire Marshall Jesse's face: firefighter Jesse, Where do yew get off ordering civilians around?
Firefighter Jesse (muffled because of the Haz Mat Mask): Sorry sir! Error in judgement sir!
Fire Marshall Bob: Son, that "error" is gonna cost yew 50 laps sound this "church." Move!
Firefighter Jesse, in full Haz Mat suit, starts his first lap.
Fire Marshall Bob (thinking). Who's next lowest on the fire pole?
Firefighter Tina, a large black woman is already wearing her Haz Mat suit: Sir, Firefighter Tina ready to do what's necessary!
Fired marshal Bod:(shaking his head): I'm sorry Firefighter Tina, but this is man's work.
Firefighter Tina: With all due respect, I gots my lawyers on speed dial. Yew'll be looking at a Sexual Discrimination lawsuit. Fine with me, I gots seven hungry kid's at home.
Fire Marshal Bob: Firefighter Tina, please excuse an old man set in his ways. Yew got a job to do so get cracking!
Firefighter Tina: Yes sir!
Firefighter Tina strides over to Pecos, semi-conscious on the nod. A swarm of flies, knats, mosquitoes swarm Pecos, helping themselves to free lunch.
Firegihter Tina, fully protected in her Haz Mat suit hauls Pecos to his feet.
Tina: Yew on dope boy? Dem bugs are bitin' yew like crazy!
Pecos almost scratches his face off, answering her question.
Tina: How come yew stink so bad? How'd them skunks get you?
Pecos: I tried to hide underneath the bathroom sink to get away from those cokewhores. I didn't know they lived there.
Tina marches Pecos to the nearest tree: And what about all this vomit and feces?
Pecos: Dope makes me vomit and God makes me shit!
Firefighter Tina: Boy yew the hottest hottest mess I ever saw!
She motions over to Firefighter Jesse, who has just completed one lap.
Firefighter Jesse: Yes ma'am.
Firefighter Tina: Its against regulations for me to remove this man's clothing. Take his shit off and lash him to this tree with this here yellow rope.
Firefighter Jesse: But Fire Marshal Bob ordered me to do laps.
Firefighter Tina: Don't worry about him. I gots his pecker in my pocket!
Firefighter Jesse removes Pecos's radioactive black tighty whities and his ripped to shreds Kung Fu outfit. Jesse lashes Pecos to the skinny white pine tree by his ankles, knees, protruding stomach and weak chest. Jesse places a motorcycle helmet with air holes drilled in the back on Pecos's head so he can breathe.
Fire Marshall Bob backs the pumper into position. Four other firefighters in il the hose.
The entire congregation, having broken into the bar, holds cocktails, standing downwind in the parking lot, waiting for the show to begin:
Mr. Pete (drinking champagne:). I wish those dreamy firemen would hurry up! And I thought Heineken was skunky!
Borzag bitches: That boy stinks! I need another beer!
Lumpy: Me too!
The 7' tall green waitress springs into action, getting everyone's drink order.
Waitress: And what will The Lord be drinking tonight?
God (angry). Kegs and keys of spilled blood if these bastards don't hurry up!
Waitress (very afraid): Very good sir! Right away!
Fire Marshal Bob gives the signal. A switch inside the pumper is pushed. The four firefighters are pushed back by the intense pressure of the water blasting from the hose. Within moments, the outer two layers of Pecos's skin are gone. He is a bright pink color. He points to the crook of his elbow, the Universal signal for "I NEED DOPE!!"
God: CEASE FIRE!!
Fire Marshal Bob hits the "off" switch. God and Billy walk over to Pecos's tree.
Billy removes Pecos's motorcycle helmet. It reeks of vomit, as Does Pecos's face.
God: Fire Marshal Bob, his head still reeks like a bald eagle took a dookie on his head.. Give him a 30 second pulse to the face, 50% power.
Billy: Close yer eyes and mouth Pecos. Plug yer nose.
The 30 second pulse rips every hair off Pecos's head.
God: What say you, Pecos?
Pecos: Bring on the snakes. Nothing could be worse than this!
God: Are yew sure yew don't wanna be a smart ass, something like "KILL PINKY??"