Filthy Hilarious Cab Conversations

vishnu666 · Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 8:18 pm Post subject: Boris Who Wanted to Be Doris

(for Whitebone and Pride Weekend Revelers)

vishnu666 · Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 8:37 pm Post subject: Boris Who Wants to Be Doris

(for Whitebone and Pride Weekend Revelers)

Boris Who Wants to Be Doris
(an opera sung by the Hallalujah Chorus)

FADE IN

A packed dark hushed theater. The stage is illuminated by two spotlights. Boris Who Wants to Be Doris, wearing a Sanitation Worker's uniform, strides on stage. A murmur erupts from the Castrato Section.

BORIS WHO WANTS TO BE DORIS: My life will be incomplete until I'm separated from my meat!

CASTRATO SECTION: He will pine, he pine long until the clapper is removed from his gong! . . .

I picked up Boris Who Wants to Be Doris @ a secret location, destination Saloon. It's a beautiful spring day, full of hope and change!
Me: Cab's outside!
Boris Who Wants to Be Doris (in a lower register): Be right down!
BWWTBD's front door swings open. BWWTBD is wearing a 1960's Sophia Loren thick curly brunette wig, half tinted octagonal shades, a skin tight faux black leather miniskirt, strategically ripped black fishnets and 6-inch black Lady Gaga heels.She's @ least 6'6 tall. BWWTBD could have done a much better job shaving her forearms and legs.
I open the right rear passenger door, as I do for most women.
BWWTBD hops in: Thanks.
Me: Where we going?
BWWTBD: The Saloon. 9th and Hennepin. You know where that is?
Me (slightly offended): YYYY-EE-SSSSS!
BWWTBD: Could yew hurry? I'm running late. Two hours late.
I hit the gas. We're rolling 50 down 9th St.
BWWTBD: I'm glad yer not one of the fuckin' Somalian drivers. Those bastards don't know where anything is! Or they pretend they don't!
The psychological gloves were off, so I start messing with this faux-tart.
Me: Yer sure dressed up today!
BWWTBD: It takes a lot of work to look this beautiful.
Me (prying): Not that's its my business, but how long does it take?
BWWTBD: About three hours. I work @ Recycling plant in North Mpls. YEW WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE AMOUNT OF SHIT I SCRUB OFF MYSELF IN PLACES YEW DON'T EVEN WANNA KNOW ABOUT!
She's correct. I force myself to put the brakes on my King Kong imagination.
Me: How do they treat yew there?
BWWTBD: They treated me great until I told them I'm starting gender-reassignment. They hit the roof when I asked if the company health insurance was gonna pay for it. They can't fire me. I'm Union. I'll sue their asses!

whitebone · Joined: 07 Jul 2004 Posts: 2833 Location: MINNEAPOLIS

1.) I'm not transgendered, not that there's anything wrong with that..
2.) I don't partake in "Pride" weekend anymore, I haven't for a decade.. Boring, corporate, and mostly for straight people like you who want to look liberal and/or hip progressive...
3.) I sure the hell would NEVER step foot into the Saloon ever again after being kicked out of there on account they thought me and my friend were straight and "confused"...

thosquanta · Joined: 13 Feb 2006 Posts: 1034 Location: nordeast

i am both straight and confused and yet the saloon keeps asking my band back to play shows.

whitebone · Joined: 07 Jul 2004 Posts: 2833 Location: MINNEAPOLIS

Yeah, they changed their tune over the last few decades on appearance and such, much like Profane Existence changed their stance on homos...LOL
In both cases it's all boils down to making more money...

Mild Thing · Joined: 18 Sep 2007 Posts: 2460

If you were going to stick your pee-pee into the special Chinese "mushroom" would you prefer the anal or vaginal opening?

Reverend Phil · Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 12:43 pm Post subject:

Oh Whitebone, you remember that about P.E. do you? Funny that.

whitebone · Joined: 07 Jul 2004 Posts: 2833 Location: MINNEAPOLIS

I should say M.A.S., but it's still pretty much the same people..

Reverend Phil · Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 5:10 am Post subject:

Yep, same folks, I seem to recall getting editorialized more than once..

Mild Thing · Joined: 18 Sep 2007 Posts: 2460

Deer hearts and butter, right?

whitebone · Joined: 07 Jul 2004 Posts: 2833 Location: MINNEAPOLIS

Do not forget the onions,garlic,and peppers... Yummm

vishnu666 · Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 11:27 pm Post subject: Wisconsin!

Went to Hudson tonite, roundtrip. Cut the nice folks a break, $125 ($25 off). Had to resist the urge to stop @ the Liquor store for a case of Point.

Reverend Phil · Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 10:28 am Post subject:

Oh shit Mild, I just got that. That was actually Jon Fish. I wrote something about gay folks being born that way, and our editorial staff jumped in insisting that being gay was a choice.

Mild Thing · Joined: 18 Sep 2007 Posts: 2460

Are you sure? I seem to recall you wrote the un-pc blurb about eating deer hearts, and if I recall correctly, about a art piece/sculpture coming from your sphincter.

Being gay is a choice? Check this out:

http://youtu.be/om6AA0u7lME

Reverend Phil · Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 4:46 am Post subject:

Nope, that was Jon Fish from Cribdeath.I thought the column was funny, We were both summarily dismissed after that issue though.