Joined: 21 Nov 2008
Location: somewhere someplace driving yer drunk ass around
|Posted: Sat Jan 17, 2015 8:39 pm Post subject: Man Mountain Melody
|The most feared woman in Diablo Colorado weren't the killer hookers Penelope Peaches and Miss Epiphany Nookie Orgasmitron nor the criminally insane old bag Ma Bender.
Man Mountain Melody wore that bloody Tiara like Princess Di after hitting the wall. She stood 6'6, weighing 666 pounds. No one in Diablo knew her real name. If a fool broached the subject, she twisted the nosy egg sucking dog's head clean off with her bare hands. She'd shrunk her victim's severed heads, wearing them as necklace charms. Man Mountain Melody was Diablo's wealthiest citizen. She was sole owner of Diablo's highest production gold mine and 90% of the town worked for her.
At the Pour N' Whore Saloon, Man Mountain Melody never paid for her whiskey. She sat at her private table in a special reinforced seat belonging to her ass only. The Bartender poured her as much whiskey as she wanted. On the house. Sheriff WTF Chuck's orders. She was a reverse Jekyll and Hyde. Meaner than a wolverine and dangerous as a rattlesnake when sober, after her third bottle of whiskey, Man Mountain Melody turned into a drunk Miss Manners. "Anybody wanna know how I got my nickname?" she'd yell.
All the Pour N' Whore patrons heard Man Mountain Melody's explanation of how she acquired her nickname a hundred times, but as Diablo's largest employer and the deadliest bitch imaginable, the cowboys, miners and working girls listened with rapt attention like they never heard her the story before.
"First of all, I'm as big as the biggest man. I own a mountain. I look like a mountain. And I'm Melody because I sing like a bird. Check it out: Piano player, play 'I've Been Working On the Railroad'."
Man Mountain Melody slugged down half a bottle of whiskey, took off her shrunken head necklace, put in on the bar, wiggled out of her seat and waddled over to the piano.
SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN WITH DINAH SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN I KNOW OH OH SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN WITH DINAH. STRUMMING ON THE OLD BANJO!!
Man Mountain Melody couldn't carry a tune for shit She sung so loud her voice shattered the Pour N' Whore's front plate glass window more times than the Bartender wanted to remember. Despite her sonic caterwauling, no one dared covering their ears.
Man Mountain Melody received her usual standing ovation. Rather then sitting back down and happily taking it in, she stomped over to the piano player, grabbing him by the head, slamming his face on the keyboard, running his bloody head back and forth on the keys while singing:
FE FI FIDDLE I OH FE FI FIDDLE I OH OH FE FI FIDDLE I OH STRUMMING ON THE OLD BANJO!!
She twisted the piano player's head off and slammed it on the bar. The Bartender whispered to his bar back: Get Sheriff WTF Chuck pronto! Melody switched up!"
"YER ALL FAKING!! I KNOW I CAN'T SING!! YER JUST KISSING MY FAT ASS SO I DON'T KILL YEW!! WELL I'M FIXING TO KILL YEW ALL ANYWAY!!"
The Bartender peeped: "Now Melody, don't get yourself in a lather!" Man Mountain Melody grabbed the Bartender by the throat, squeezing until his eyeballs popped out of his head. He fell over behind the bar, dead. Melody scooped up his eyeballs. She waddled over to Penelope Peaches and Miss Epiphany Nookie Orgasmitron, giving both whores a fresh eyeball. "Here yew go gals. I KNOW YOU LIKE TO EAT MEAT!!"
Penelope Peaches and Miss Epiphany Nookie Orgasmitron stared at the late Bartender's eyeballs.
"Sorry Melody I'm not hungry," Penelope said.
"Me neither," Epiphany replied.
Steam flew out of Man Mountain Melody's ears. She was fixing to wring their necks.
"WHAT DID YOU BITCHES SAY??"
"You heard us," Penelope said. "I got a question for you Melody. When was the last time you got laid?"
Penelope's question stopped Melody in her tracks. She began to sob violently, her enormous chest heaving.
"I AIN't NEVER BEEN LAID!!" Melody wailed.
Sheriff WTF Chuck walks in through the Pour N Whore's front door. He's stark naked except for his gun belt and cowboy hat. He's pointing a six-shooter in each hand at Melody. She stares at him, blood in her eyes, fixing to charge.
"Don't even think about it Melody. I'll shoot you dead just as soon as look at you. I got a proposition. Strip off yer clothes and I'll drill yew on the floor. Right here at the Pour N' Whore. Maybe that'll brighten up yer afternoon."
Man Mountain Melody's eyes cross. She crumbles to the floor dead as a rock.
"Jesus Christ," Penelope yawns. "It's big. But it ain't THAT big!"