posted 12-05-2002 12:17 PM            

Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," says the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken."

posted 12-05-2002 01:49 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by DipshitLucy:
Hey Vlad, why are your jokes always dirty?

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Heh good question, I suppose its since I'm on some email list and it seems most of the jokes they send are dirty ones.

posted 12-05-2002 02:30 PM            

A German doctor says: "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says: "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man, and have both of them looking for work in two weeks."

posted 12-09-2002 04:03 PM         

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

posted 12-19-2002 12:01 PM            

"As we understand it, Norway has been preparing this material in barrels filled with lye and storing it in stockpiles throughout the country both in urban and rural settings," said Condoleeza "Wild" Rice, national security adviser.

Secretary of State Colin Powell said President Bush will address the United Nations next week, laying down conditions that must be met by the Scandinavian country to avoid a pre-emptive attack, possibly before the
Christmas holidays.

"This is simply an extension of the Bush Doctrine, in which it is the policy of the U.S. to identify threats around the globe and get them before they get us," Powell said.

Lutefisk is a substance virtually unheard of in Washington and on the Eastern Seaboard, but is said to be common in certain parts of the Midwest. The FBI branch office in Minneapolis has been alerted to watch for signs of lutefisk production in that region.

In Oslo, Norwegian Foreign Minister Trigve Trondheim was defiant upon hearing of the threatened attack by the United States unless Norway agrees to allow U.N. inspectors free reign throughout the country. "There is certainly no need to allow inspectors into King Harald's palace or country estates," Trondheim asserted. "Why would we hide lutefisk there?" he asked, shifting his eyes.

Experts on the substance disagree on its volatility but most admit it can have widespread deleterious effects on entire populations exposed to it. The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta acknowledged it is "playing catch-up ball" where lutefisk is concerned, but CDA director Dr. Ralph
Macabre warned that any substance stored in lye should be regarded as
extremely dangerous.

In a brief statement yesterday in the White House Rose Garden, President George W. Bush asserted that the United States will never stand idly by when substances of potential mass destruction are being produced anywhere. "These evildoers are bent on infecting the entire U.S.
population with this dangerous substance," the president said. "Unless United Nations inspectors are allowed to determine the extent of lutefisk production in Norway, it is my duty as commander-in-chief of the armed forces to send our brave servicemen and women to Norway to root out sources of lutefisk and destroy them."

Bush said any attack must take place before the Christmas holiday season "when the threat is greatest."

U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, when asked about the peril, said, "Where's Norway?"

Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle of South Dakota noted he is from a part of the country where lutefisk infestations have broken out in the past, often in December. "We've got to act fast," Daschle told reporters, "or millions of Americans could suffer."

Meanwhile, the government was preparing to upgrade its fruitcake warning to code orange. Film at 10.

posted 12-19-2002 12:50 PM            

Okay kind of a dumb joke, but here goes:

There was a woman who wanted larger breasts so she went to see Dr. Smith a renowned cosmetic surgeon.

Upon arrival in the office, the woman told her story of wanting larger breasts. Dr. Smith replied. "You don't need surgery I have come up with a new technique. All you need to do is rub your breasts and say 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies' and repeat this everyday."

So the woman is doing this and she notices hey it's working!

One day while on the bus she realizes she forgot to do her "therapy". Looking around she noticed people weren't paying much attention so she discreetly rubbed her breasts and said "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A few moments later a man comes up to her and says "You must be going to Dr. Smith?"

She says "Yes how did you know?"

He said "Well, Hickory dickory dock.."

posted 12-19-2002 01:51 PM            

To stamp out forest fires...

Why do elephants have flat feet?