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Author
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Topic: A little humor
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RULE#MF2
Punk Posts: 1382
Registered: Dec 2001
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posted 03-20-2002 10:15 AM
   
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
Then one little boy says: "My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject,but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays football for the Minnesota Vikings and I was just too embarrassed to say so."IP: Logged |
lutefisk
Punk Posts: 1399
Registered: Dec 2001
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posted 03-20-2002 01:21 PM
C'mon - aren't there more jokes in your repertoire RULE? I need something to amuse myself at work today - this board just isn't cutting it.IP: Logged |
tape deck
Punk Posts: 520
Registered: Mar 2001
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posted 03-20-2002 02:02 PM
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi. I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie. You walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition. IP: Logged |
Garrret
Punk Posts: 482
Registered: May 2001
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posted 03-20-2002 03:37 PM
I was in my backyard the other day when I looked over the fence and and saw little Johnny digging a hole. I asked him "What are you digging a hole for little Johnny?""My gold fish died," little Johnny replied. As I look at the hole I think to myself it's a little large for just a small gold fish, so I asked him "Why's the hole so wide, Johnny, it wasn't a very big gold fish." He looks up and replies "Your cat ate him." IP: Logged |
RULE#MF2
Punk Posts: 1382
Registered: Dec 2001
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posted 03-20-2002 04:01 PM
The SUNBURN
A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun and suffered a
severe sunburn to his legs.He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was
very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs
caused agony.
The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and
electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in
that condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his
legs."
**********************
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line
up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful
big breasted nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell
attached to his manhood and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when
she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not
reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first monk candidate, with no
reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the
monks until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell began to
ring so loudly that it flew off
and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell.
And then, all the other bells started to ring... *********************** Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor
creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we can't have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's
no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon thanked the priest and said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya'
think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?"
IP: Logged |
Garrret
Punk Posts: 482
Registered: May 2001
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posted 03-20-2002 04:02 PM
A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. Incensed, he drags the man out to the garage and puts his johnson in a vise. He secures it and removes the vise handle, then picks up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screams, "Stop! Stop! You’re not going to…to…cut it off, are you?" The husband shakes his head and hands him the hacksaw. "Nope—you are. I’m just going to set the garage on fire."
IP: Logged |
lutefisk
Punk Posts: 1399
Registered: Dec 2001
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posted 03-20-2002 04:24 PM
A priest and rabbi are sitting together on a park bench enjoying a sunny afternoon. The priest eventually takes notice of young boy who is playing with his friends not too far from where they sat.
The priest exclaims to the rabbi, "Look at that boy, isn't he adorable!? He's gorgeous!"
"Um, sure. Real good lookin' kid", says the rabbi, not really knowing what to say.
"No, really. Look at how pretty that boy is!", says the priest again.
After some time the priest pipes up again and says, "Wouldn't you just love to screw 'im?"
The shocked rabbi says, "Out of what?"IP: Logged |
PISSHEAD
Punk Posts: 199
Registered: Mar 2002
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posted 03-20-2002 06:29 PM
How many pissheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, one to hold the lightbulb, and two to drink til the room starts spinning.
How do you get a one armed punk out of a tree?
throw him a beer.
How do you get a boring one armed punk out of a tree?
throw em a book about politics.
How do you get a nazi out of a tree?
Cut the rope.IP: Logged |
autopsygrrrl
Punk Posts: 1080
Registered: May 2001
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posted 03-21-2002 08:33 AM
A guy who has lived in NYC his whole life decides he's tired of all the crowds and he retires to the Shetland Islands off of Scotland. He moves to a tiny island where the villagers don't talk to strangers. Nobody speaks to him for the first three months. Then, one evening, there is a knock at his door. He opens it to find a burly, bearded Scotsman.
"May I help you?" he asks.
"Well," the stranger replied, "seein' as how it looks like you'll be stickin' aroun' here, I thought I'd invite ya to a welcome party."
"Why, that's very kind of you! I'd be honored."
"First, I've got to warn ya...there's gonna be drinkin'," the villager says sternly.
"Hmm, well, I've been doing my share of drinking here alone for the past three months. I think I can handle myself."
"Okay. But...there's gonna be dancin', too."
"I have to say," says the New Yorker, "I'm a pretty good dancer myself, and I could really use some company right now."
"If ya say so," says the stranger, "but that's not all. There's gonna be a fight. There's aaaalways a fight."
"Well, I was boxing champion of my unit in the army, so I can hold my own in a fight if I have to," the New Yorker replied with confidence.
"Ya think so?" says the villager. "But there's gonna be SEX. Wild, Shetland sex."
"Well, being alone up here all these weeks, I could use a bit of that too," replies the New Yorker with a wink.
The villager starts to leave. "I guess I've given ya fair warning, then. See you Saturday."
"Wait, one more thing before you go," the New Yorker calls after him, "Should I dress up for the party?"
"Oh, no," the villager called over his shoulder, "Come as ya are. It'll just be you and I."[This message has been edited by autopsygrrrl (edited 03-21-2002).] IP: Logged |
zomzom
Punk Posts: 77342222
Registered: Mar 1920
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posted 03-21-2002 08:45 AM
Here's a good one, but I'm only posting the punch line."Get orff me dad, yer crushin' me smokes" IP: Logged |
Garrret
Punk Posts: 482
Registered: May 2001
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posted 03-21-2002 09:10 AM
One day my dad says "You know son, masturbation causes blindness."I replied "Dad, I'm over here." IP: Logged |
autopsygrrrl
Punk Posts: 1080
Registered: May 2001
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posted 03-21-2002 11:46 AM
Hillbilly boy comes rushing home from school, all excited.Hillbilly kid: "Pa, Pa, I found me a wife, and she's a virgin!" Pa: "If she ain't good enough for her own kin, she ain't good enough for our'n" IP: Logged |
lutefisk
Punk Posts: 1399
Registered: Dec 2001
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posted 03-21-2002 12:09 PM
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." IP: Logged |
BIG MOUTH
Punk Posts: 313
Registered: Mar 2002
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posted 03-21-2002 01:09 PM
Knock Knock
Whose There
David Lee Roth
David Lee Roth Who?
................
Ever seen an elephant in the trees?
They hide pretty good don't they.IP: Logged |
lutefisk
Punk Posts: 1399
Registered: Dec 2001
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posted 03-21-2002 01:13 PM
[QUOTE]Originally posted by BIG MOUTH:
Ever seen an elephant in the trees?
They hide pretty good don't they.This one's gotta be the best one yet!
IP: Logged |
HooliganKat
Punk Posts: 1189
Registered: Feb 2002
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posted 03-21-2002 01:27 PM
quote:
Originally posted by lutefisk:
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
BWAHAHAHA! that's gotta be a Shekkie! IP: Logged |
lutefisk
Punk Posts: 1399
Registered: Dec 2001
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posted 03-21-2002 03:27 PM
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there is a bright flash and...... both his legs fall off. IP: Logged |
Clyde
Punk Posts: 1280
Registered: Apr 2001
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posted 03-21-2002 08:48 PM
Two nuns were ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last thing the Mother Superior told them was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After talking with each other for several minutes about how they would ever paint a room without getting paint on their habits, the two nuns decided to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and all clothes, and paint in the nude.
After about an hour there came a knock on the door, and the two nuns were horrified. "Who is it?" called out one of the nuns.
"Blind man," came the voice on the other side of the door.
The two nuns looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and decided that no harm could come from letting a blind man into the room. So they opened the door.
"Hey, nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
IP: Logged |
Jzzz
Punk Posts: 1789
Registered: Apr 2000
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posted 03-22-2002 01:07 AM
An elephant goes into a bar for a beverage and some conversation, after reciving his drink he notices another elephant sitting at the other end of the bar. So he makes his way down the bar and gently nudges the other elephant and says "Big place, huh? IP: Logged |
chain-wallet bitch
Punk Posts: 592
Registered: Jul 2001
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posted 03-23-2002 11:10 AM
French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan to Convince Taliban of
Non-Existence of God
AP/2002 February
The clean-up portion of the ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday
when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French
existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of the
remaining Taliban zealots by proving the non-existence of God.
Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will
be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and
existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual
battles fought during their long occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their
first action will be to establish a number of sidewalk cafes at strategic
points near the front lines.
There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of
life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by
a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread
dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five
minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.
Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence
in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense
and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said,
"The Taliban are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous. There
is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am
talking."
Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating freedom
of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of
Alfred Hitchcock.
However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as
inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the
Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the
area.
AP/2002IP: Logged |
Orbit
Punk Posts: 541
Registered: Jan 2001
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posted 03-23-2002 11:18 AM
Did you hear about the guy who lost his job at the orange juice factory?
He just couldn't concentrate.IP: Logged |
DipshitLucy
Punk Posts: 1541
Registered: Oct 2000
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posted 03-23-2002 12:38 PM
Here's one David told me last night.
Tori Spelling walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Tori, why the long face?"
Ba dum bum.IP: Logged |
RULE#MF2
Punk Posts: 1382
Registered: Dec 2001
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posted 03-25-2002 09:03 AM
So this mouse is walking through the woods one day and he hears
“Help me, help me!” Upon following the noise he sees an elephant sinking
in quick sand. “hold on”, he says, “I’ll get my corvette and pull you out.”
So the mouse gets his Vette and saves the Elephant and they are on their way.
A month goes by and the Elephant hear’s screams for help. He
Walks towards them and sees his mouse friend sinking in quick sand.
The Elephants says “I am gonna straddle the sand and you grab on to my
Dick so I can pull you out.” The Elephant does and the mouse lives.
The moral of the story is if you have a big dick, you don’t need
A corvette.
IP: Logged |
lutefisk
Punk Posts: 1399
Registered: Dec 2001
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posted 03-25-2002 10:10 AM
A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."So the cucumber says, "yeah, you think that is bad, whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad." So the penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough?! Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly
room, and make me do push ups until I throw up!" IP: Logged |
RULE#MF2
Punk Posts: 1382
Registered: Dec 2001
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posted 03-25-2002 11:12 AM
Here is a riddle for the intellectually minded.
The answer is at the end for those who cannot think this one
through!! At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of
the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the
other
is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old woman.
They are each thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Answer: Don't look down
IP: Logged |
RULE#MF2
Punk Posts: 1382
Registered: Dec 2001
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posted 03-29-2002 09:57 AM
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP 2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER 3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY 4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT 5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER 6. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG 7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT. 8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY 9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE 10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER 11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR DICK 12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT 13. WHLE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS 14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE 15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER 16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER 17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL 18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION 19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL 20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER 21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE! IP: Logged |
lutefisk
Punk Posts: 1399
Registered: Dec 2001
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posted 03-29-2002 10:28 AM
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent... stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." IP: Logged |
Clyde
Punk Posts: 1280
Registered: Apr 2001
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posted 03-29-2002 03:36 PM
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?IP: Logged |
PISSHEAD
Punk Posts: 199
Registered: Mar 2002
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posted 03-31-2002 05:29 PM
WHERE IS MY JOHN DEERE?
Why did'nt super man fly down from the sky and save john denver when his plane was jetting into the ocean?because he's in a fucking wheel chair.
IP: Logged |
Trigger
Punk Posts: 253
Registered: Feb 2002
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posted 03-31-2002 05:51 PM
What has 7 arms and sucks?Def Lepard IP: Logged |
autopsygrrrl
Punk Posts: 1080
Registered: May 2001
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posted 04-01-2002 01:39 PM
I just read this in a magazine: A couple who owned a Vietnamese restaurant were celebrating their 20 year wedding anniversary. They closed up the restaurant, went home and started gettin' busy.
"Honey," said the wife seductively as they climbed into bed, "Is there anything special you had in mind for tonight?"
"Well, now that you mention it," the husband said shyly, "I could really go for a little 69."
So the wife jumped out of bed and stir fried some beef lo mein with a side of rice. IP: Logged |
CHUD
Punk Posts: 404
Registered: Mar 2002
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posted 04-02-2002 12:31 PM
Mmm mmppmfmffpppmpm ppmmmmppp mpppppfmpmpppfffmm mmm Pmfmmmmpmmffmppfmm Mmpmmmpff mmpffm ppmmfffmmfmpmmmpmpmpp. Mfpmpp mpfmffpppmpmfmm mfpmfffmm fppmmmffm fmpppf mmm
mmpmmmpfffmmfmpppfppfpmf mmmpppmpm ppfpffmpmmpppfffmm mmm mpmpffmffppppmp. Mmmmpffmpmpppff fmmmfffmpfmpmffpppmfm fmpmfpmpppffmpp mpfppfpff mmm fppmfpmffpmfmpp, mfpmpp ffmmpppmfpmffmm fmpppf
fmpmfpmpp mmpmmmpfffmpmpppppmpmmpppff, "Mfpmppffm, ffmppffmf fppmmmppppppmmm mfpmppmmmpff mmm mmppmfppfpppmpmmpp pmmppfpmpmpp?"Fmpmfpmpp mmpmmmpff mffppmppmmppmpmmffmmmfmpmpppmfffm mmpmppmmfppfppmmppfmm mmmmmpfmmppfpmffmffmpmpppmfffm pfpfmfmffmppfmp. Mffppp mmm fpmmpppffffm mpmmppmpppfm, mfpfmffmmpmpffm fpmppfmffmmfmpp
fmpmfpmpp fppppfppmmmmppp pppmppfpffmp fmpppf mfpmffppm fmmmmmffmfmm, "Mmpmppmpfppfpffmpp ffmppffmf fmpmpppmfpmf fmpmfpmmmfmp pmmppfpmpmpp, ffmppffmf fmmmfpppffmfpmfmpm pmppppppffpp
fmmppfppmmppfmpmfpmffpppmfm; 1 Fmpmfpmpp mmpmmmpfffmpmpppppmpmmpppff mfffmm mmppmfppfpppmpmmpp.
2 Fmpmfpmpp mmpppffmfpppmmfmpppff mfffmm mmppmfppfpppmpmmpp.
3 Mff'ppm mmm 6 mpfmppmppfmp fmpmmmpmfpmf, 200 pmfmmp. mmppmfppfpppmpmmpp fppmfffmpmfp mmm mmppmfmmmmmfpmp mmpmpppmffmp mffppp pmpmmmpffmmmfmpmpp.
4 Fmpmfpmpp fppppfppmmmmppp fmmmfffmpfmpmffpppmfm pppmppfpffmp fmpppf ppmmpp mfffmm mmppmfppfpppmpmmpp, fmmmfpmpp mfffmm mmm fppmppmffmfmmfpfmppmfmffmpffmpmpppff, mmmpppmpm
5 Fmpmfpmpp pmfmmmmpmffm fmpppf ffmppffmfpff pffmffmfmmfpfmp mfffmm mmm mmppmfppfpppmpmmpp mmmpppmpm mmm pfmpffppf fpppffmppfmmfmppmfmpppff. Fmpmfpmffppppmp mmmmmpppffmffmp mfffmp fmmmpppffmffppffmffmmpmfffm, Ppmmfffmmfmpmpppff. Ffmppffmf fmmfmpmffpmfpmf fppmmmppppppmmm fmpmpppmfpmf fmpmfpmmmfmp pmmppfpmpmpp?"
Fmpmfpmpp mmppmfmffpppmpm mfmfmfffm fmmmmmffmfmm, "Pppmmmmfp, ... pppppffmp mffmpf Mff'ppm mfmppfppppppmmm mfpmmmfpmmpp fmpppf mppfpfpfmpmfmmmmffppp mfffmp mpfmfffpmmpp
fmpmffppmmppfmm..." IP: Logged |
nunsoup
Punk Posts: 450
Registered: Jan 2002
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posted 04-02-2002 02:01 PM
what's the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus?
it only takes one nail to hang up a picture of jesus.
IP: Logged |
Vladmyr
Punk Posts: 1090
Registered: Oct 2001
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posted 04-05-2002 10:30 AM
The Lone Ranger was captured by an Indian war party. The Indian Chief
proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the
Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I
kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first
request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers
in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later, Silver returns
with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Chief watches, the
blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next
morning, the Indian Chief says, "You have a very fine and loyal
horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second
request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is
brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before,
Silver takes off. Later, to the Chief's surprise, Silver returns,
this time with a voluptuous brunette. She enters the Lone Ranger's
tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is
again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will
still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request." The Lone Ranger
responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is
curious, but agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time,
I said bring posse!"
IP: Logged |
Orbit
Punk Posts: 541
Registered: Jan 2001
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posted 04-06-2002 10:23 AM
I swear, jokes go around just like the flu -a delivery driver told me that one earlier this week.IP: Logged |
Vladmyr
Punk Posts: 1090
Registered: Oct 2001
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posted 04-09-2002 09:11 AM
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I''ve ever seen!" Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn''t say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that." "You''re right," she said. "I think I''ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!" "That''s a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
IP: Logged |
Vladmyr
Punk Posts: 1090
Registered: Oct 2001
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posted 04-10-2002 09:52 AM
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
IP: Logged |
lutefisk
Punk Posts: 1399
Registered: Dec 2001
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posted 04-10-2002 10:19 AM
What's the definition of gross?
When you bite into a hot dog and there's still veins in it!
Ewwwwwwww..... IP: Logged |
HooliganKat
Punk Posts: 1189
Registered: Feb 2002
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posted 04-17-2002 02:03 PM
Couldn't find the advertising thread, however this always makes me laugh. The radio ads with Will Farrell for MGD. "That selfish little fat slapper!" I can't help but laugh my ass off at that. I know very juvenile but nonetheless funny as hell. IP: Logged |
old tin ear
Punk Posts: 666
Registered: Jun 2001
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posted 04-17-2002 02:08 PM
> The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had
> covertly funded a project with the auto makers for the past
> five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four
> wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents,
> the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
>
> They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of
> drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were "OH SHIT!" Only the state
> of
> Wisconsin was different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were:
>
> "Hold my beer and watch this."
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